8.29.16
Photo By: Tatiana Zellner
You Should Go And Love Yourself
Written By: Emmanuella "Manny" Williams
A few weeks ago, one of my best friends was celebrating her birthday and I wanted to honor her with a Facebook Birthday post. It didn't take long for me to think of which picture I wanted to use. So being the expert troll that I am (no shame in my game), I went to her page to steal it. As I went through the "On The Boarder Reunion" album, I saw a picture of myself that made me instantly stop clicking. I turned to my husband and said, "Now see, this is when I used to be pretty." I don't really know how I expected him to respond (maybe it was a subconscious set up) but what he said totally caught me off guard... "That's when you used to always talk about how ugly you were." BAM!! Of course, my first instinct was to challenge that statement, so I said, "No way... Look at me in this picture, I would have never thought that I was ugly then." As he walked away, he hit me with... "Yeah, that's what I thought too" (mic drop).
As I stared at my 25 year old self with "long hair that didn't care", a size 4 body and perky breasts that were unaffected by gravity and breastfeeding (2 kids), I had to concede to the fact that my husband was right. Despite all of the data that sat before me to support the fact that I was "Phee-Pho-Phine"... the memories of 2-A-Day work-outs (because 135lbs was fat), spending entire Saturdays at the hairdresser in hopes of growing my hair longer and not wanting to take that specific picture because my skin is too dark, overpowered the evidence. As I sat there, I wondered what had changed... sadly I realized nothing. I was no more confident in my looks today. I still feel fat everyday and no matter what the scale says, I always have another 10lbs I NEED to lose. I remember being terrified to find out that I was having a girl because I worried that she would have to bear the cross of being bullied for being too dark; which always = you're not pretty or pretty for a dark skinned girl.
The realization that I had spent 10 years hating myself and running a race with an ever moving finish line, hit me like a ton of Bricks. That day, I decided that "I should go and love myself" (in my Bieber voice). If not for me, for Layla (my daughter) and all of the little girls in my life that are watching when I am not looking. I needed to stop moving the finish line and realize that I am "There"... "I've arrived"... "I woke up like this". Even if I don't lose another pound, all of my hair falls out and people only see my teeth in pictures... I need to embrace the fact that I am beautiful TODAY and walk in that. To love myself is to honor God's handy work. I would be lying if I told you that I don't continue to struggle with this daily but each morning I now look at myself in the mirror and proudly say, "Go Love Yourself."
The realization that I had spent 10 years hating myself and running a race with an ever moving finish line, hit me like a ton of Bricks. That day, I decided that "I should go and love myself" (in my Bieber voice). If not for me, for Layla (my daughter) and all of the little girls in my life that are watching when I am not looking. I needed to stop moving the finish line and realize that I am "There"... "I've arrived"... "I woke up like this". Even if I don't lose another pound, all of my hair falls out and people only see my teeth in pictures... I need to embrace the fact that I am beautiful TODAY and walk in that. To love myself is to honor God's handy work. I would be lying if I told you that I don't continue to struggle with this daily but each morning I now look at myself in the mirror and proudly say, "Go Love Yourself."
Who Am I....
I am Emmanuella Williams... Mommy to Nathan and Layla, First Lady to Marcus, Manny to my friends and Maman to my family. Being a Haitian born Preacher's daughter from the "305" with 3 older brothers, made me tough(thanks to my brothers), street-smart (credit to the 305), GOD fearing (thanks to my parents) and Proud (thanks to my Haitian roots). Moving to my 4th city in 5 years has fed my love of people and given me the opportunity to meet some amazing women that led to the creation of this blog. I am ever grateful for these relationships and the opportunity to touch new lives through this platform. Thanks for continuing to read every Monday!
I am Emmanuella Williams... Mommy to Nathan and Layla, First Lady to Marcus, Manny to my friends and Maman to my family. Being a Haitian born Preacher's daughter from the "305" with 3 older brothers, made me tough(thanks to my brothers), street-smart (credit to the 305), GOD fearing (thanks to my parents) and Proud (thanks to my Haitian roots). Moving to my 4th city in 5 years has fed my love of people and given me the opportunity to meet some amazing women that led to the creation of this blog. I am ever grateful for these relationships and the opportunity to touch new lives through this platform. Thanks for continuing to read every Monday!