Uniquely “Flawed”
Written By: Erika Bruce
For as long as I can remember, I've been an excessive worrier. Even as a kid, I can vividly recall memories of irrational worry that consumed my thoughts. I worried about normal stuff, too: grades, sports, boys, what I was going to wear to school the next day. But the irrational worries are the ones that stick with me. What if all of my friends are just pretending to be my friends and really don't like me? Do I talk too much? Do I talk enough? Am I pretty? What if I'm not smart enough? My internal monologue was constantly filled with these thoughts. I remember staying the night at a friend's house in middle school and lying awake for hours bordering on a panic attack because I was so worried that something may happen to my family while I was gone. In high school, I spent countless nights lying awake in bed after coming home from a party, thinking about every word that I said, dissecting each syllable, to ensure that nothing I said was stupid. To be truthful, it was an exhausting way to live.
As I got older and entered college and then graduate school, I learned that this worry that had consumed my life had a name: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I also learned that it had manifested itself in my life in so many ways that I hadn't even realized. Mainly, my anxiety manifested itself in the form of perfectionism. This unattainable need in my mind to be perfect in every sense of the word poisoned my life because it was just that: completely unattainable. I spent so much time beating myself up for how "flawed" I was that my self-esteem suffered significantly. As a result, I dated guys that treated me poorly. I didn't stand up for myself in friendships that were unhealthy. I punished my body by restricting my calorie intake too greatly and exercising compulsively in an effort to have the "perfect body," and I wasn’t enjoying life. My failure to meet my own expectations of perfection was causing such great anxiety, that I struggled to even get out of bed in the morning some days and cried more than I'd like to admit. Again, I was exhausting myself mentally and physically, stuck on a hamster wheel of perfection that refused to move forward, no matter how hard I pushed myself or how relentless I was on my pursuit of perfection.
Fast forward several years, and I'm in a much different place. I'm 27 years old and have found my sense of self in a way that I would not have thought possible several years ago. Thanks to an amazing therapist, my incredibly supportive mom (hey, mom!), friends, my faith in God, (reasonable) exercise, and a super cute rescued black lab/pit bull mix named Martin, I have a range of coping mechanisms that help me pull myself out of that dark, anxiety-riddled place that I sometimes slip into. And believe me when I say, I still slip into that place now and again. It's a daily internal battle to remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect and accept my imperfections and love myself FOR them, not in spite of them. I have learned the art of BALANCE, which allows me the freedom to mess up and know that I will be okay.
I've also learned that any form of mental illness has a stigma... and that sucks! I used to feel ashamed of my struggle with GAD, but I have been trying to learn to embrace it as just another part of who I am. I need to give my anxiety credit for what it has done positively in my life, like led me to be successful in my career and never stop trying to improve myself. I have tried to more openly share my worry and not be ashamed to admit that sometimes everyday things in life are harder for me than they are for other people. I also learned that it definitely wasn't always evident to others that I was struggling from the outside, so sharing this with others has become something of importance to me.
If there are two things I've learned from all of this, it's this: First, you can never tell what people have struggled with from their outward portrayal of their lives. And for this reason, it is so important to be kind and open-minded. Second is that we are all uniquely “flawed” and that is AWESOME! I find a lot of comfort in thinking about the fact that God created me in His own image and that there is no one else in the world quite like me, flaws and all! If that doesn't make you feel special, I don't know what will! Although I sometimes wonder why He chose some of the characteristics for me that He did, I am perfect in His eyes, and that is something that I have learned NOT to worry about.
As I got older and entered college and then graduate school, I learned that this worry that had consumed my life had a name: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I also learned that it had manifested itself in my life in so many ways that I hadn't even realized. Mainly, my anxiety manifested itself in the form of perfectionism. This unattainable need in my mind to be perfect in every sense of the word poisoned my life because it was just that: completely unattainable. I spent so much time beating myself up for how "flawed" I was that my self-esteem suffered significantly. As a result, I dated guys that treated me poorly. I didn't stand up for myself in friendships that were unhealthy. I punished my body by restricting my calorie intake too greatly and exercising compulsively in an effort to have the "perfect body," and I wasn’t enjoying life. My failure to meet my own expectations of perfection was causing such great anxiety, that I struggled to even get out of bed in the morning some days and cried more than I'd like to admit. Again, I was exhausting myself mentally and physically, stuck on a hamster wheel of perfection that refused to move forward, no matter how hard I pushed myself or how relentless I was on my pursuit of perfection.
Fast forward several years, and I'm in a much different place. I'm 27 years old and have found my sense of self in a way that I would not have thought possible several years ago. Thanks to an amazing therapist, my incredibly supportive mom (hey, mom!), friends, my faith in God, (reasonable) exercise, and a super cute rescued black lab/pit bull mix named Martin, I have a range of coping mechanisms that help me pull myself out of that dark, anxiety-riddled place that I sometimes slip into. And believe me when I say, I still slip into that place now and again. It's a daily internal battle to remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect and accept my imperfections and love myself FOR them, not in spite of them. I have learned the art of BALANCE, which allows me the freedom to mess up and know that I will be okay.
I've also learned that any form of mental illness has a stigma... and that sucks! I used to feel ashamed of my struggle with GAD, but I have been trying to learn to embrace it as just another part of who I am. I need to give my anxiety credit for what it has done positively in my life, like led me to be successful in my career and never stop trying to improve myself. I have tried to more openly share my worry and not be ashamed to admit that sometimes everyday things in life are harder for me than they are for other people. I also learned that it definitely wasn't always evident to others that I was struggling from the outside, so sharing this with others has become something of importance to me.
If there are two things I've learned from all of this, it's this: First, you can never tell what people have struggled with from their outward portrayal of their lives. And for this reason, it is so important to be kind and open-minded. Second is that we are all uniquely “flawed” and that is AWESOME! I find a lot of comfort in thinking about the fact that God created me in His own image and that there is no one else in the world quite like me, flaws and all! If that doesn't make you feel special, I don't know what will! Although I sometimes wonder why He chose some of the characteristics for me that He did, I am perfect in His eyes, and that is something that I have learned NOT to worry about.
How I Met The Author
Erika Bruce, is my like my little sister from another mister. In the Summer of 2013, a fresh crop of new college grads started at our company and a beautiful, bright eyed, big hearted Erika was part of that group. I often find that there are usually 2 kinds of new hires, the ones that already know everything and are there to solve all of the company's problems or the ones that are really there to learn and grow. I was lucky to find a third type in Erika, she was not just there to learn but also make a difference in the lives of the people that she met around her, most specifically mine. We were paired up to support a client group when she started; I as the Recruiter and she as the HRA. Although, she is very smart and talented, she valued my experience enough to sit with me regularly and ask questions, take notes and learn about how to be an effective HRA. I doubt that she ever knew how much our time together meant to me and how proud I am now to watch her successfully progress as a person. To read this post today shocked me so much because Erika is right... I never knew that she was ever anything but happy. To me... she was always "as cool as the other side of pillow" and I am honored and thankful that she was open enough to share her story. You can feel her heart and passion in every word that she wrote and that is why she is so awesome to me...not uniquely flawed or perfectly flawed but "Perfectly Unique".
Erika Bruce, is my like my little sister from another mister. In the Summer of 2013, a fresh crop of new college grads started at our company and a beautiful, bright eyed, big hearted Erika was part of that group. I often find that there are usually 2 kinds of new hires, the ones that already know everything and are there to solve all of the company's problems or the ones that are really there to learn and grow. I was lucky to find a third type in Erika, she was not just there to learn but also make a difference in the lives of the people that she met around her, most specifically mine. We were paired up to support a client group when she started; I as the Recruiter and she as the HRA. Although, she is very smart and talented, she valued my experience enough to sit with me regularly and ask questions, take notes and learn about how to be an effective HRA. I doubt that she ever knew how much our time together meant to me and how proud I am now to watch her successfully progress as a person. To read this post today shocked me so much because Erika is right... I never knew that she was ever anything but happy. To me... she was always "as cool as the other side of pillow" and I am honored and thankful that she was open enough to share her story. You can feel her heart and passion in every word that she wrote and that is why she is so awesome to me...not uniquely flawed or perfectly flawed but "Perfectly Unique".