Photo Credit: http://www.mothersguidetosanity.com
"Live" Through It.
Written By: Vero Tomas
Your heartbeat was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.
I looked into your father's eyes and knew we loved you and never met you.
I listened, tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. I saw you but could not hear your heartbeat.
When your heartbeat stopped a part of me died.
I will never be the same, until we meet again.
When I found out I was pregnant (again) I was happy but also overcome with terror. I didn’t want to hear that line again “I am sorry but the pregnancy is not viable” or “I am not able to detect a heart beat”. I tried to be positive but I didn’t want to become attached. I didn’t want my husband to be excited because my heart could not stand to see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes again. Each morning of my pregnancy was hard, what would that day bring…pain, bleeding. If I had a doctor’s appointment I was scared to death, I was so nervous. My stomach ached with nervousness and my palms became sweaty, my eyes filled with tears each time; preparing for the words that became all too familiar over the years. My nurses and doctors were great; they always reminded me to breathe…yep you are going to pass out if you don’t breathe ☺.
I spent every Saturday at baby stores…I kept buying baby things…I loved being pregnant. As my stomach grew I was so happy. Finally I was going to be a mommy, but for every item that I purchased I kept a little box with the receipt for the item…you know just in case I lost the baby. It was always in the back of my mind. I knew my husband felt the same way too. We did not tell our family until I was four months pregnant and even after we told everyone we talked about how we handle the loss and how we would tell everyone. We knew which room would be the baby’s room, all the baby stuff remained in the shopping bags in which they were brought home. I enjoyed being in the baby stores and I enjoyed purchasing the items but then I couldn’t bring myself to take any of the items out of the bags. What if the baby didn’t make it? I didn’t want to have to pack up all the items. It would be easier to give them away or to return them to store if the items remained in the bags with the price tags. The receipt box was kept in the baby’s room along with all the shopping bags with baby stuff.
When I went into labor the physical pain was beyond anything I could image but that was not the hardest part. The hardest part was the terror…I made it this far what If my baby doesn’t make it? Sure enough I saw terror on the faces of the nurses during my delivery and all the machines started going off. My Doctor looked so stern and serious, we have to do an emergency C-section he said. The tears flowed and I was now in the worse place of my life. I was losing my baby and I didn’t even enjoy getting to know her. Guilt, fear, regret and terror took over all at once. I spent my entire pregnancy preparing for the worse. I refused to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy except for the short lived moments when I was in the baby stores and now I regretted it.
I was awake for the delivery long enough to hear my baby cry and to say thank you Jesus. When I woke up I saw her eyes she was beautiful and my heart felt a type of love and emotion that I never felt before. When we first met I immediately wished that I spent time talking to her, acknowledging her, loving her while were as close as we will ever be. I learned a valuable lesson, I learned that I needed to “live through things”. You know, be in the moment, good or bad because you will never get that time back. I was lucky, I was blessed, whatever you call it. I had my baby girl. Had I lost her I would have not only been devastated that I lost her but I would have also regretted not living through my pregnancy. I let my fear of hurt and loss cause me to exist in fear, to take each wonderful moment with caution and skepticism instead of enjoying my life. Whatever it is that you are going through, live through it. One thing is certain, time waits for no one and will pass on with or without you. Live your life, love who you want to love and be who you want to be. When you are at the end of your journey, if you are like me, you will want to remember the good times and the bad times and know that you were present and you lived through it. I want to always be able to say “I survived” or “I won” or even “ I lived through it”.
I looked into your father's eyes and knew we loved you and never met you.
I listened, tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. I saw you but could not hear your heartbeat.
When your heartbeat stopped a part of me died.
I will never be the same, until we meet again.
When I found out I was pregnant (again) I was happy but also overcome with terror. I didn’t want to hear that line again “I am sorry but the pregnancy is not viable” or “I am not able to detect a heart beat”. I tried to be positive but I didn’t want to become attached. I didn’t want my husband to be excited because my heart could not stand to see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes again. Each morning of my pregnancy was hard, what would that day bring…pain, bleeding. If I had a doctor’s appointment I was scared to death, I was so nervous. My stomach ached with nervousness and my palms became sweaty, my eyes filled with tears each time; preparing for the words that became all too familiar over the years. My nurses and doctors were great; they always reminded me to breathe…yep you are going to pass out if you don’t breathe ☺.
I spent every Saturday at baby stores…I kept buying baby things…I loved being pregnant. As my stomach grew I was so happy. Finally I was going to be a mommy, but for every item that I purchased I kept a little box with the receipt for the item…you know just in case I lost the baby. It was always in the back of my mind. I knew my husband felt the same way too. We did not tell our family until I was four months pregnant and even after we told everyone we talked about how we handle the loss and how we would tell everyone. We knew which room would be the baby’s room, all the baby stuff remained in the shopping bags in which they were brought home. I enjoyed being in the baby stores and I enjoyed purchasing the items but then I couldn’t bring myself to take any of the items out of the bags. What if the baby didn’t make it? I didn’t want to have to pack up all the items. It would be easier to give them away or to return them to store if the items remained in the bags with the price tags. The receipt box was kept in the baby’s room along with all the shopping bags with baby stuff.
When I went into labor the physical pain was beyond anything I could image but that was not the hardest part. The hardest part was the terror…I made it this far what If my baby doesn’t make it? Sure enough I saw terror on the faces of the nurses during my delivery and all the machines started going off. My Doctor looked so stern and serious, we have to do an emergency C-section he said. The tears flowed and I was now in the worse place of my life. I was losing my baby and I didn’t even enjoy getting to know her. Guilt, fear, regret and terror took over all at once. I spent my entire pregnancy preparing for the worse. I refused to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy except for the short lived moments when I was in the baby stores and now I regretted it.
I was awake for the delivery long enough to hear my baby cry and to say thank you Jesus. When I woke up I saw her eyes she was beautiful and my heart felt a type of love and emotion that I never felt before. When we first met I immediately wished that I spent time talking to her, acknowledging her, loving her while were as close as we will ever be. I learned a valuable lesson, I learned that I needed to “live through things”. You know, be in the moment, good or bad because you will never get that time back. I was lucky, I was blessed, whatever you call it. I had my baby girl. Had I lost her I would have not only been devastated that I lost her but I would have also regretted not living through my pregnancy. I let my fear of hurt and loss cause me to exist in fear, to take each wonderful moment with caution and skepticism instead of enjoying my life. Whatever it is that you are going through, live through it. One thing is certain, time waits for no one and will pass on with or without you. Live your life, love who you want to love and be who you want to be. When you are at the end of your journey, if you are like me, you will want to remember the good times and the bad times and know that you were present and you lived through it. I want to always be able to say “I survived” or “I won” or even “ I lived through it”.
How I Met The Author
Although our author is anonymous for this post, I can tell you that she is one of the most amazing women that I know. I lived for every word of this post and I'm so happy that you have had the opportunity to meet her in this way. She is as strong and fearless as she is loving, genuine, and kind. I won't say much more but I am afraid that I will give her identity away so I will just say that she is truly a role model for me and I am so happy to be blessed enough to have her in my life. Love you Vero Tomas!